Sometimes, I wonder about it all. What is faith, and do I have faith? Indeed, what if I’m wrong about many of the things on which that I rely? What if my belief system has holes, major holes, in it. Even if my beliefs are generally correct–and I hope they are–what if my faith is, well, something less that faithful? I don’t say any of these things because I’m going through some spiritual crisis or because I’m particularly worried about this belief or that one. Indeed, the best I can tell, God has blessed me immeasurably and I am aware of that fact.
It’s just that my form of faith is, shall we say, non-traditional. It’s not that I hold to some sort form of heterodoxy, that I worship nature, or that I sit around pondering my navel each day. Rather, I’m non-traditional, I think, in that there is currently no overarching pattern to my life that fits the common paradigm. There is no hymn singing or mid-week Bible study. There is no traditional Sunday service or church program. Indeed, to be honest, I have little interest in being involved in that which is often considered “Christian.” It’s not that I hate Christians or anything along those lines, for some of my best friends are believers, even traditional ones. It’s just that I have no desire to follow some prescribe agenda. I have no inkling to “evangelize” as commonly practiced. I have no inclination to use traditional religious jargon. I have very little affinity for that which many, if not most, Christians in our country would consider the outward expressions of the faith.
Am I a heretic? Again, I hope not, for I do believe in the tenets of orthodoxy, though, perhaps, with a sense of openness to new insights that might cause me to tweak my current views. Am I a liberal? No, for I maintain that there are a number of important things that should be conserved. Thus, while we must remain open to the truth–whatever it is and wherever it is found–the truth, once sufficiently understood, should be upheld and maintained . . . even though our maintaining and holding will always be imperfect. Am I a rebel? Hmm, perhaps to some degree, but I hope that at least some of my rebellion is against that which is wrong or contrary to the truth and purpose of Jesus. Am I disillusioned? Yeah, I think to some degree, for I have indeed experienced a good measure of hypocrisy and arrogance and naivete and just plain goofiness that was integrally connected to various models of faith.
Again, just to be honest, I’m not sure what I am, and some of this is a bit scary. Where am I traveling? What road am I on? In what direction am I headed? What will my faith look like in the future? What should my faith look like? There is a lot of traveling and wondering and pondering going on. And, for the most part, it is not a pressured kind of traveling, wondering, and pondering. Rather, I am bathing in what I hope is a new light of God’s love, still occasionally feeling slightly “guilty” that this is not the path of many, still uncertain about the choices I am making, yet reveling in the blessings that flow my way and the light that at least occasionally seeps into my thick head.
Are any of you in a similar place. Just curious. I’m not currently doing “church” in any formal sense, but I am interested in being a part of the Church of Jesus. I have no motivation to follow some agenda or become anything that is “churchy,” but I do want to love and to see and experience the love of the One who is love incarnate. I don’t really want to play some game of artificial evangelism, the type in which you feel like you must verbalize certain phrases (supposedly) in order to provide a way to God, but I certainly do want others to experience genuine joy and love and to connect with the true Savior. I do not want to join some predictable group of Christian flag wavers, consumed with carrying out their various agendas, but I do want to share the love of God’s Son and, to the best of my ability, give expression to the truth.
Where am I? Only God truly knows. Prayer: “Forgive my foolishness, Lord, and continue to let your light shine in, through, and around me. Let Jesus truly be the author and completer of my faith. Be merciful and gracious, Lord, and let your love and truth guide and shape me and my loved ones. Let it be.”
7 comments:
Delurking here to say that I'm enjoying reading about your journey.
You seem to be at a changing place, and I just wanted to let you know that it gets better.
I've known people who have made changes of all kinds... And the time of change can seem like the ground under your feet is shifting. But be assured that it does settle, and you'll find your feet again.
I've never known anyone who, upon finding their feet, is not happier with where they wind up.
You have to feel comfortable within your beliefs, or they're not yours, they're somebody else's.
I just wanted to let you know that I've seen this before, and peace is on its way after you do the hard work of finding your own path.
-Siamang
Siamang,
Thanks so much for your wise and encouraging words.
I really appreciate it! :-)
Carmen
This is the kind of thinking that leads to destruction. I wonder exactly how you grow in your so-called faith. As believers, it is important to sing, to study, to fellowship, and to meet with an agenda. People need to be led, and it scares me to think that you are leading these people in the wrong direction. What is scary to me is that nothing is right or wrong to you...whatever goes goes. Whatever is done is acceptable, and there is no accountability whatsoever.
What should faith look like? It should look like trusting in Jesus for every step in your life. Jesus gives sense of direction in the most fulfilling of ways. Everyone questions their faith, but when one questions absolutely everything, it is dangerous for them to continue to assume a "pastoral" position...or whatever you would like to call it.
Some things need to be done God's way, and they don't all have to be done "traditionally," but they must be done with the intent to help and guide others. Perhaps you are carrying out your own agenda instead of letting the spirit lead you.
Not all "churchy" church people are flag wavers with hidden agendas. There is a big difference between being highly rigid and traditional and being highly non-traditional. We must never forget that Jesus is in the center. When one does not wish to be involved in those things considered "Christian," this would cause me to question one's intentions. God is the director and perfector of our faith. Things always happen for a reason in His good time. He wants us to meet with him, he wants us to talk with him, and when we do, he makes our paths straight. Being hurt by certain "models of faith" does not give one the right to deny all that the Christian faith is based on and to openly have no definitive standards while in a leadership position.
Dear anonymous,
Perhaps you misunderstand my views.
I’m not saying that I am abandoning anything orthodox, only that I question many of the forms, the ways things are “supposed” to be done.
Might it be that genuine faith is always dangerous because it allows true thoughts and feelings, questions and uncertainties, to surface? Perhaps this is the only (or best) way for faith to be authentic and not simply some nebulous practice of others, however well-meaning. This is not to say that others cannot help along the way, for they clearly play an indispensable role. But the fact that the church can be helpful does not mean that every expression of those within the church is helpful or even Christian.
At any rate, I think that one of the more dangerous and potentially faith-endearing aspects of life is to see if it can truly hold up to the realities of life, both personal and cultural.
Also, I would ask you if your preconceptions about that which is Christian are grounded in Scripture or in your own traditions. To provide one common example, the Bible nowhere prescribes the exact type of programs found among many churches. This is NOT to say that their programs are invalid, only that they are not to be correlated so exactly with the broader principles of Scripture. Thus, not forsaking the assembling together, a biblical axiom, cannot be reduced to or limited to our own avenues of fellowship. If you want to meet together for a Wednesday Bible study, that can indeed be a legitimate expression of biblical truth. However, it is far from the only valid expression, as I’m sure you’d agree. The problem is that a great deal of Christians are nervous about things that are, shall we say, second or third level traditions and not directly linked to the truth.
I appreciate your concern and would certainly value your prayers. But what, exactly, should I do? Should I avoid the process by which I think through these matters, the process through which I hope and pray God is working? Should I simply hook up with some predictable group, one that has frankly frustrated me for years and has sometimes hindered my faith? Again, I’m not trying to attack these people, for many of them are fine people with whom I agree on many things. All I’m saying is that a large percentage of them have been quite rigid, close-minded and “kindly” critical of anything that does not fit their preconceptions and agendas. Many of these individuals are my friends, and we enjoy conversations, etc. But to make an official church connection (as they would define such) has too often hurt me, and so now, I think, is a time for reflection and prayer.
Let me respond to some of what you wrote.
You said:
As believers, it is important to sing, to study, to fellowship, and to meet with an agenda.
I currently do not do these things on any regular basis with a congregation as typically defined. However, I still love music, study all of the time, and seek to regularly connect with likeminded believers. In fact a few of them are coming over to my house this evening. As far as an agenda is concerned, my main concern is that the agenda is valid. Just having an agenda is not good enough for me. Indeed, an unchallenged religious agenda can sometimes (not always) become the ground in which all kinds of foolishness grows.
You mentioned leadership.
How do you define leadership? I’m not saying that we can’t define it at all, but I do think we have to make sure that we don’t allow extra-biblical ideas to be the basis of these things. Too often in the name of being “biblical” I’ve seen unbiblical things take place.
You say that nothing is right or wrong for me, which is completely inaccurate. Indeed, to adhere to orthodoxy, which I do, implies that there is something that is unorthodox and therefore wrong. All I’m saying is that some of these matters are a lot more subjective than we make them out to be. Also, to say that “whatever goes goes” is clearly not what I adhere to and embody. My entire blog proves otherwise.
I agree that faith should look like trusting in Jesus. But, practically speaking, what does this look like? How does faith appear in the real world? This is where I perhaps “push the envelope” more than most. At the end of the day, we are always left with some measure of subjectivity and something less than a precise “look” for faith. This is fine for me, for I think it forces me to trust in the One who has all of the answers even when I do not. The problem, though, is that many overly rigid thinkers try to force the church to move in their prescribed direction. Thus, to use the above example, Wednesday night Bible study becomes a measure of spirituality when the Bible never commands us to, say, meet on Wednesday for a verse by verse exposition of some passage. There is nothing wrong with this, of course, but there is something very wrong when we limit the valid expressions of faith to our comfort zones.
Another thing . . .
What makes you assume that I have no intent on carrying out things to help and guide others? Am I trying to carry out my own agenda? Being an often foolish individual, I’m sure that this is often the case, and certainly I need the grace of the Lord to get through each day. Also, I agree that the Spirit must move me/us and that we need him. However, besides my own rebellious tendencies (which are found in us all), his leading is not always necessarily located in those areas and among those programs that many churches propound.
Another thing . . .
I agree that not all “churchy” church people are flag wavers with hidden agendas. But some (perhaps many) are.
You said:
We must never forget that Jesus is in the center. I agree.
You said:
When one does not wish to be involved in those things considered "Christian," this would cause me to question one's intentions.
I’m not interested in things “considered” Christian, only those that are Christian. This, often, is the real issue! These matters are not easily resolved. As church history shows on many levels, simply linking a few Bible verses or concepts does not guarantee that what we come up with will be healthy and useful. I’m all for the idea of going to Scripture and looking at key passages, etc. But we also need God’s input and guidance (and an openness to what he may be teaching) if we want to experience his leading. This, by the nature of the case, leads to a faith a solid center but fuzzy edges.
You said:
Being hurt by certain "models of faith" does not give one the right to deny all that the Christian faith is based on and to openly have no definitive standards while in a leadership position.
I’ve never said that I deny all that the faith is based on. One of the problems here is that it is not always easy to identify these definite standards. Just because we want something that is solid does not mean that it is easy to find. Sometimes, well-meaning dogmatism can even hinder the truth.
Again, I thank you for your concern, and I certainly value your prayers and input. Lord knows, I need his ongoing mercy, grace, and guidance!
Carmen
Relax, you're just a run-of-the-mill nutjob. There are thousands like you, and there will be thousands where you are going.
Nothing to worry about.
Thanks, Isaac. It's good to know that I am only one of many crazies! :-)
Carmen
I knew that would be a great comfort to you.
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