yeah . . . i'm FICKLE

You know what? I often find myself quite fickle in the way I perceive life. Sometimes, I am of the “defend and declare the truth” mentality, doing my best to stress the need for confidence in a world of uncertainty, determined to maintain what I believe is right in a society that is all too often relativistic. Other times, I am of the opinion that the dogmatists of the world are missing something and that they need to “chill out” and exude much greater humility about many things.

It’s strange how this works in my life. I’ll observe some spiritual wimp, a self-proclaimed do-gooder, who appears never to have lived life in the real world, a person who would try to negotiate with a terrorist or fail to punch out someone who was intent on doing harm to his family, and I’ll revolt against such philosophical perversion and BS. Or, on the other hand, I’ll see some spiritually audacious individual, someone who speaks with too much confidence and acts like all things are easy to understand, and I’ll want to throw up.

So, what’s my problem? Well, without denying the obvious–that I am often an idiot–I think that it comes down to a type of tension that must be sustained in our lives. There are some things within the tradition of the church, some beliefs, practices, whatever, that have to be maintained, upheld, and defended; when these things are violated, we have to stand up and be counted. Then again, there are many things that are labeled “Christian” that are, in my opinion, faulty and contrary to true and healthy spirituality; this stuff must be rejected or, at the very least, reconsidered. Again, there is this tension between the idea that I must actually believe something if I am indeed a believer (After all, I believe something, right?) and the idea that as a believer I must be ever humble and open to change, correction, and new insights (After all, if “Jesus is Lord” means anything, he is likely to teach me some things, right?).

The problem I have is that I haven’t come close to perfecting or living with this tension. You see, in an ideal world, or if I were an ideal person, I’d be able to see all of the truth and allow every aspect of it to have its sway in my life. I’d be able to see the big picture, rightly rejecting error while retaining truth. In fact I’d be dogmatically opposed to that which is wrong and just as dogmatically in favor of that which honors God and helps people. In real life, however, I find myself swinging back and forth. On some occasions I’m drawn to a place where I must–to the best of my ability–stand up against stupidity and foolish thinking. While I know that I know nothing perfectly, I also know that I must contend for that which I know sufficiently. Likewise, while I know I cannot succumb to a relativistic spirit, I also know that it is ludicrous for me not to admit that I have so much to learn. Still, with all of this theory in place, I find it difficult actually maintaining this balance. Indeed, I sometimes wonder why I am more conservative at certain times and more liberal at other times. In other words, I am fickle!

My hope, I suppose, is that the real God will continue to bear with my inconsistencies and fluctuations, and that he will help me to somehow recognize and live consistent with the tensions that he has apparently built into the world.