Sometimes, I wonder about it all. What is faith, and do I have faith? Indeed, what if I’m wrong about many of the things on which that I rely? What if my belief system has holes, major holes, in it. Even if my beliefs are generally correct–and I hope they are–what if my faith is, well, something less that faithful? I don’t say any of these things because I’m going through some spiritual crisis or because I’m particularly worried about this belief or that one. Indeed, the best I can tell, God has blessed me immeasurably and I am aware of that fact.
It’s just that my form of faith is, shall we say, non-traditional. It’s not that I hold to some sort form of heterodoxy, that I worship nature, or that I sit around pondering my navel each day. Rather, I’m non-traditional, I think, in that there is currently no overarching pattern to my life that fits the common paradigm. There is no hymn singing or mid-week Bible study. There is no traditional Sunday service or church program. Indeed, to be honest, I have little interest in being involved in that which is often considered “Christian.” It’s not that I hate Christians or anything along those lines, for some of my best friends are believers, even traditional ones. It’s just that I have no desire to follow some prescribe agenda. I have no inkling to “evangelize” as commonly practiced. I have no inclination to use traditional religious jargon. I have very little affinity for that which many, if not most, Christians in our country would consider the outward expressions of the faith.
Am I a heretic? Again, I hope not, for I do believe in the tenets of orthodoxy, though, perhaps, with a sense of openness to new insights that might cause me to tweak my current views. Am I a liberal? No, for I maintain that there are a number of important things that should be conserved. Thus, while we must remain open to the truth–whatever it is and wherever it is found–the truth, once sufficiently understood, should be upheld and maintained . . . even though our maintaining and holding will always be imperfect. Am I a rebel? Hmm, perhaps to some degree, but I hope that at least some of my rebellion is against that which is wrong or contrary to the truth and purpose of Jesus. Am I disillusioned? Yeah, I think to some degree, for I have indeed experienced a good measure of hypocrisy and arrogance and naivete and just plain goofiness that was integrally connected to various models of faith.
Again, just to be honest, I’m not sure what I am, and some of this is a bit scary. Where am I traveling? What road am I on? In what direction am I headed? What will my faith look like in the future? What should my faith look like? There is a lot of traveling and wondering and pondering going on. And, for the most part, it is not a pressured kind of traveling, wondering, and pondering. Rather, I am bathing in what I hope is a new light of God’s love, still occasionally feeling slightly “guilty” that this is not the path of many, still uncertain about the choices I am making, yet reveling in the blessings that flow my way and the light that at least occasionally seeps into my thick head.
Are any of you in a similar place. Just curious. I’m not currently doing “church” in any formal sense, but I am interested in being a part of the Church of Jesus. I have no motivation to follow some agenda or become anything that is “churchy,” but I do want to love and to see and experience the love of the One who is love incarnate. I don’t really want to play some game of artificial evangelism, the type in which you feel like you must verbalize certain phrases (supposedly) in order to provide a way to God, but I certainly do want others to experience genuine joy and love and to connect with the true Savior. I do not want to join some predictable group of Christian flag wavers, consumed with carrying out their various agendas, but I do want to share the love of God’s Son and, to the best of my ability, give expression to the truth.
Where am I? Only God truly knows. Prayer: “Forgive my foolishness, Lord, and continue to let your light shine in, through, and around me. Let Jesus truly be the author and completer of my faith. Be merciful and gracious, Lord, and let your love and truth guide and shape me and my loved ones. Let it be.”
